Lock up in lockdown: Some original home security tips
TYPICAL. Just when we least need it because we're already locked down, I've thought of some great ideas for home security.
The first was an amazingly original, clever idea, which alas my colleague Ms C had already thought of - put size 14 steel-capped work boots at the front door.
The only trouble with this approach is that break and enters are seldom through the front door, so how many pairs would you need? One for each window?
Pretty exxy, and what if the perpetrator was size 14 and pinched your boots as well as your silverware? Or where would you find enough old pairs? Perhaps the thief could return them when they'd finished with them?
Maybe karate gi with a black belt on the clothesline would work? Or boxing gloves?
In the old days you could install a super security system with back-to-base live feed monitored by big, burly security guards who would speed to your house in their 1997 Hyundai Excels and sort the problem out while you hid under the bed holding your breath.
Alas COVID-19 lockdown in Melbourne hotels has wrecked that option. Those big burly guards are more likely to hop into bed with the burglars and help themselves to the smoked salmon and caviar in the fridge.
You could buy a big dog. But this presents problems too, not the least they are expensive, poo all over the yard and if you take them for a walk so they can do that on someone else's lawn, criminals staking out your house will just wander in then and pinch your telly.
No, modern home security requires a modern approach, like a sign out the front saying "5G Test Area". That would scare off many crims, most of whom are Trump-supporting, conspiracy-theory antivaxxers, although perhaps not other crooks who can't read or don't know what 5G is.
They'd probably recognise the emblem of the National Rifle Association, but would they then just break in to steal your rifles?
Actually the best defence against theft and burglary is the one we already employ, just have nothing to steal, or would that encourage them to flog your wine?
Struth, where did I see those old boots the other day?
Silver Lining Adelaide Hills Chardonnay 2020, $30: Amazingly bright with a delightful bouquet of tropical fruit, paw paws maybe, which Ms L. rudely describes as the scent you would get if fruit farted. 9.4/10.
Silver Lining Adelaide Hills Sauvignon Blanc 2020, $25: Bitey without biting you, fruity but dry, the unmistakeable smell of summery sauvignon blanc, surely it's time for this breed to reclaim the limelight from pinots gris and grig'? 9.2/10.
Parker Coonawarra Estate Favourite Son Cabernet Malbec 2018, $24: This is about as fruity as red wine gets, hard not to have another glass and the colour of the wine matches the label beautifully. 9.1/10.
Parker Coonawarra Estate Favourite Son Cabernet Sauvignon 2018, $24: This is a lot more cerebral than its malbec cousin, and therefore far less likely to be pinched during a break-in. 9.2/10.
Cook's Lot Orange Allotment No.8989 Cabernet Merlot 2017, $23: Orange is no longer the new black, having been overtaken by covid red, the new colour of coffee cups at parliament house. But Orange red is still in vogue. 9.3/10.
Cook Family Estate (Orange) Iconique Barrique Chardonnay 2017, $50: This is serious stuff, with a serious price-tag just to reinforce to you how serious it is. Perfect for burglars and room temp will give you the most bang for your pineapple buck. 9.5/10.